Showing posts tagged bible

Black and but Beautiful 

Over the centuries, numerous statues of the Black Madonna have had the Latin words “Nigra sum sed formosa” added to their bases.  These are the words of the Queen of Sheba from the Song of Solomon 1:5 and it translates as “I am Black but I am beautiful”. 

The Aramaic / Hebrew conjunction for “but” or “and” depends on context.  It is telling that the Greek authors of the Septuagint Bible chose to translate it as “I am black and beautiful”, whereas the Catholic Church chose to use the word ‘but’.

Early Latin texts use the words 'Nigra sum et formosa', but later authors of the Latin Vulgate version of the Bible changed the words to ‘Nigra sum sed formosa’.

All Western bibles are derivative works of the Vulgate, and consequently that subtle bit of racism has echoed through the centuries. 

Was Jesus a dwarf?
From a variety of sources we know that Jesus was small in stature; this in a time when the average male measured 5’1” and weighed 110 pounds.
The first century historian Josephus reports him being approximately 3 cubits tall (4 feet 6 inches).
The Gospel of Luke (19:3) describes Zaccheus’ attempt to see Jesus while he preached in a crowd: “And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and he could not for the crowd, because he was low of stature.” Luke may be referring to Zaccheus rather than Jesus, but the idea that Jesus was slight can be seen again in the Acts of John v. 90: “…I was afraid and cried out, and he, turning about, appeared as a man of small stature…”  
The Qur’an records Jesus’s diminutive size in the story of the the night that the prophet Muhammad flies to Jerusalem on a winged horse to visit the prophets Abraham, Moses and Jesus; Jesus was the smaller of the three. 

Was Jesus a dwarf?

From a variety of sources we know that Jesus was small in stature; this in a time when the average male measured 5’1” and weighed 110 pounds.

The first century historian Josephus reports him being approximately 3 cubits tall (4 feet 6 inches).

The Gospel of Luke (19:3) describes Zaccheus’ attempt to see Jesus while he preached in a crowd: “And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and he could not for the crowd, because he was low of stature.” Luke may be referring to Zaccheus rather than Jesus, but the idea that Jesus was slight can be seen again in the Acts of John v. 90: “…I was afraid and cried out, and he, turning about, appeared as a man of small stature…”  

The Qur’an records Jesus’s diminutive size in the story of the the night that the prophet Muhammad flies to Jerusalem on a winged horse to visit the prophets Abraham, Moses and Jesus; Jesus was the smaller of the three. 

'Man shall cling unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh'. Genesis 2:24

Most Christians (other than children and Fundamentalists) understand that the Biblical narrative of the Garden of Eden, with its nakedness and temptation, snake, fruit and forbidden knowledge, is all about sex - and that women are sluts.

God gets angry when he finds out that they’ve “eaten the fruit”.  Adam blames the Eve for tempting him, ("The woman Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me the fruit of the tree, and I ate") so God condemns women to painful childbirth.

Because Eve tempted Adam, early Fathers of the Church taught that women were "the devil’s gateway" and ultimately to blame for the death of Christ.

Some Christian cults have interesting variations of the Garden of Eden story: The Mormons believe that Jesus helped God create the Garden of Eden and that it was located in Jackson County, Missouri.

The Manicheans believed that Adam and Eve were the result of the copulative action of two demons: "Then Jesus came and spoke to the one who had been born, who was Adam, and … made him fear Eve, showing him how to suppress (desire) for her, and he forbade him to approach her… Then that (male) Archon came back to his daughter, who was Eve, and lustfully had intercourse with her. He engendered with her a son, deformed in shape and possessing a red complexion, and his name was Cain, the Red Man."

The Bible’s instructions for treating Leprosy and skin diseases. (SRSLY)

Get two birds. Kill one in an earthen vessel over running water. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the patient seven times, and then release the blood-soaked bird.

Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient’s right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Kill another lamb and then burn it.

Finally find another pair of birds. Kill one and dip the live bird in the dead bird’s blood. Wipe some blood on the patient’s right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle the patient’s house with blood seven times. Et voila! - Leviticus 14

Be grateful for science and modern medicine.

Photograph from the 122 Action, Burgtheater, Vienna, November 19, 2005- Hermann Nitsch

(A more appropriate, but NSFW version of this post is here)

"Auction" - Wes Hempel 

The bizarre story of Sodom and Gomorrah

The 'cities of the plain' may have been destroyed because of a simple misunderstanding, but if we accept the Christian interpretation, that to “know” means to “fuck”, then this is the story.

The all-seeing and all-knowing God* sends two angels to find out what’s going on in Sodom.  They plan to spend the night in Lot’s house, but soon all the men of the city arrive to demand that Lot hand the angels over so that they can fuck them. (Genesis 19:4-5)

Our bible hero decides to keep the angels angelic and his own holy hole whole, and says, “here, take my two virgin daughters and fuck them instead” (Genesis 19:8). This upsets the crowd somewhat and they storm the house.  The angels make them all go blind.  And that’s why God Hates Fags*

God sends a bit of fire and brimstone*, and the odd pillar of salt, and soon Lot and his virgin daughters are living in a cave.  They seem to forgive their father for suggesting that all the men of a city should gang rape them, because very soon they are having sex with him.  Night after night, they get their father drunk and take turns fucking him until they both get pregnant. (Genesis 19:30-38)

Here endeth the lesson.

One has to question the caliber of God’s target market if he thought that tabloid journalism was required when he wrote* the Bible.

* Allegedly 

Blessed is he who grabs your little children and smashes them against a rock. -  Psalm 137:9

"Baby Thrower" - Gustav Viegeland - Vigeland Park - Oslo

"And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den." - Isaiah 11:8 (KJV)
artist: dran

"And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den." - Isaiah 11:8 (KJV)

artist: dran

"Moses Defending the Daughters of Jethro"

Rosso Fiorentino - 1523-24

The title of the painting refers to an episode in Moses’s youth when he drives away Midianite shepherds so that Jethro’s daughters can water their flocks.  Jethro then gives his daughter, Zipporah, to Moses as a wife.   Zipporah later saves Moses’s life when God wants to murder him for not circumcising his son.  Mrs Moses grabs a piece of flint and cuts off her son’s foreskin and wipes the blood on Moses’s penis (feet is the euphemism used in the bible for genitals). 

This painting incorrectly shows Moses with a foreskin.  Moses was born aposthic (he was born with no foreskin).   Another person born/created without a foreskin, according to ancient Jewish texts, was Adam, because he was made perfect and in God’s image.  From this we deduce that God has no foreskin 

"In the beginning was the Word" - John, chapter 1, verse 1

"In the beginning was the Word" - John, chapter 1, verse 1

The Bible says…She did what with her jewelry?!

nonplussedbyreligion:

“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”  Ezekiel 16:17

(Reblogged from nonplussedbyreligion-deactivate)
.. and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. - Matthew 27:52-53
According to the bible, there was a zombie invasion of a major Roman city, but strangely there is no other record of the event. 

.. and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. - Matthew 27:52-53

According to the bible, there was a zombie invasion of a major Roman city, but strangely there is no other record of the event. 

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, … 2 Kings 9:8 (KJV)
God uses the word ‘piss’ eight times in the bible; six times it’s about people pissing against walls and twice people drink piss.  The Bible is the Word of God.   
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp owns the copyright to the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible.  News Corp, being such a principled organization, does not allow God to say ‘piss’ in their bible.  
"A person could piss against a tree, he could piss on his mother, he could piss on his own breeches, and get off, but he must not piss against the wall – that would be going quite too far. The origin of the divine prejudice against this humble crime is not stated; but we know that the prejudice was very strong – so strong that nothing but a wholesale massacre of the people inhabiting the region where the wall was defiled could satisfy the Deity."   Mark Twain - Letters From the Earth - 1909

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, … 2 Kings 9:8 (KJV)

God uses the word ‘piss’ eight times in the bible; six times it’s about people pissing against walls and twice people drink piss.  The Bible is the Word of God.   

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp owns the copyright to the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible.  News Corp, being such a principled organization, does not allow God to say ‘piss’ in their bible.  

"A person could piss against a tree, he could piss on his mother, he could piss on his own breeches, and get off, but he must not piss against the wall – that would be going quite too far. The origin of the divine prejudice against this humble crime is not stated; but we know that the prejudice was very strong – so strong that nothing but a wholesale massacre of the people inhabiting the region where the wall was defiled could satisfy the Deity."   Mark Twain - Letters From the Earth - 1909

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?
2 Kings 18:27 & Isaiah 36:12 (KJV)

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

2 Kings 18:27 & Isaiah 36:12 (KJV)

Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins..
David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage. - 1 Samuel 18:25 & 27

Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins..

David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.1 Samuel 18:25 & 27

"David" - Michelangelo - 1501 - 1504 (detail) 
Commentators have noted David’s apparently uncircumcised penis, which is at odds with Judaic practice.
Some argue that this is simply a remnant of Greek influence on Italian art and the Greek dislike of circumcision (they regarded a man as truly “naked” only if his prepuce was retracted).  Others argue that he is in fact circumcised in accordance with Jewish practices pre-140 AD.
The Abrahamic covenant of circumcision defined in the Bible was a relatively minor circumcision.  This procedure was was named Brit Milah and involved cutting off only the foreskin that extended beyond the glans.
Some Jews tried to hide their circumcision status, as told in 1 Maccabees 1:11-15 and 1 Corinthians 7:18.  Techniques for restoring the circumcised penis were known by the 2nd century BC. In one such technique, a copper weight (called the Judeum pondum) was hung from the remnants of the circumcised foreskin until, in time, it became sufficiently stretched to give the appearance of an uncircumcised penis.
In order to prevent foreskin restoration, a second more radical step was added to the genital mutilation procedure around 140 AD.  This procedure is named Brit Peri’ah. In this step, the foreskin is cut further back, to the ridge behind the glans penis, called the coronal sulcus.  The inner mucosal tissue is removed by use of a sharp finger nail or implement, including the excising and removal of the frenulum from the underside of the glans.  Around 550AD a third step known as Metzitzeh was added by orthodox Jewish groups.  In this step the mohel uses his mouth to suck the blood from the child’s wounded penis.
David and Jesus would have undergone milah and not periah.  This gives us a clue as to the actual size of the Holy Prepuce.

"David" - Michelangelo - 1501 - 1504 (detail) 

Commentators have noted David’s apparently uncircumcised penis, which is at odds with Judaic practice.

Some argue that this is simply a remnant of Greek influence on Italian art and the Greek dislike of circumcision (they regarded a man as truly “naked” only if his prepuce was retracted).  Others argue that he is in fact circumcised in accordance with Jewish practices pre-140 AD.

The Abrahamic covenant of circumcision defined in the Bible was a relatively minor circumcision.  This procedure was was named Brit Milah and involved cutting off only the foreskin that extended beyond the glans.

Some Jews tried to hide their circumcision status, as told in 1 Maccabees 1:11-15 and 1 Corinthians 7:18.  Techniques for restoring the circumcised penis were known by the 2nd century BC. In one such technique, a copper weight (called the Judeum pondum) was hung from the remnants of the circumcised foreskin until, in time, it became sufficiently stretched to give the appearance of an uncircumcised penis.

In order to prevent foreskin restoration, a second more radical step was added to the genital mutilation procedure around 140 AD.  This procedure is named Brit Peri’ah. In this step, the foreskin is cut further back, to the ridge behind the glans penis, called the coronal sulcus.  The inner mucosal tissue is removed by use of a sharp finger nail or implement, including the excising and removal of the frenulum from the underside of the glans.  Around 550AD a third step known as Metzitzeh was added by orthodox Jewish groups.  In this step the mohel uses his mouth to suck the blood from the child’s wounded penis.

David and Jesus would have undergone milah and not periah.  This gives us a clue as to the actual size of the Holy Prepuce.